Adventures in Therapy
by Carlough
Summary: Companion to my one-shot 'Jump'. This is more of the team's experiences in group trust therapy, from how they ended up in therapy to the mentioned lifting of McGee to the infamous trust falls. It would be a good idea to read 'Jump' first. Crackfic!
1. Communication

**This is a companion fic to my earlier fic, 'Jump'. A lot of my friends, as well as one of my reviewers for 'Jump' said that I should do more involving the team in therapy, so here it is. This will include many trust exercises, such as the lifting of McGee mentioned in 'Jump' and the impending trust falls that were also mentioned. This chapter is how the team got landed in therapy in the first place. Here we go!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters, CBS does.**

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"I have some news for you all." NCIS Director Vance said as he entered the bullpen.

Once he had everyone's attention, he said "Everyone is going to have to participate in Group Trust Therapy." Hearing the groan that was elicited from, well, everybody, he added "This is NOT optional or negotiable."

"Why must it be group therapy?" Ziva asked. "Why can't it be individual?"

"Because no one cares how much you trust yourself." Vance replied harshly. "We need you to trust your teammates, to know that they've got your back so you don't have to constantly be looking over your shoulder."

"I already know that about my team, Director." Gibbs said. "Problem solved, don't need to go."

"Did you miss the 'NOT optional or negotiable' part, or do you just not understand it?"

"What crawled in his sock?" Ziva whispered to Tony and McGee. They both stared at her until realization dawned on Tony.

"What crawled up his pants, Ziva." Tony corrected her.

"How would I know what is in his pants, Tony?" Ziva demanded.

"No, Ziva, he means the expression is crawled up his pants, not in his sock." McGee told her.

"What kind of expression is that?" Ziva said, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "How could something crawl up your pants? _Why_ would something crawl up your pants?"

"I don't know!" Tony hissed back at her, trying not to show how blatantly they were ignoring Vance and Gibbs' argument over how necessary it was for them to take group trust therapy. "It's just an expression! This is America! We're full of stupid, pointless expressions!" He said all of these exclamations while hissing under his breath.

"If you think they are pointless, why do you use them?" Ziva asked, still confused.

"I. Do. Not. Know." Tony ground out, teeth gritted in frustration.

"Are you two _quite_ done yet?" Gibbs said in an annoyed tone.

Looking up, Tony and Ziva, as well as McGee, who had been following their conversation, found that Gibbs and Vance had finished their argument and that now the entire room was staring at them. Tony just smiled at everyone and casually lifted a hand to wave, which per usual made everyone who was staring feel self conscious and turn away.

"This," Vance said "Is exactly why you need this. Gibbs, your team will be first. In fact, your team will get your own therapist, seeing as you have these problems with a lack of communication."

"Lack of communication?" Gibbs said with one eyebrow raised. "Were you watching them?" He gestured at the team. "They obviously know how to communicate. They don't know how to _stop_ communicating!" Gibbs sent a pointed glare at his team that could have cut through steel. Hell, the steel would have wimped out and turned tail at that glare.

"I don't care about their communication or lack there of, but it matters for your team as a whole. So you're going. And you are not working any cases until your therapist says you can. And even after you get the therapist's okay, you will still have to meet with them at least twice a week, individually and as a group." Vance said in a very final tone. And with that, he left, leaving no room for complaint.

"So what do we do now, Boss?" McGee asked him.

"We go to therapy, McGee." Gibbs replied.

"But, Boss, you said you hated therapy." McGee said in confusion.

Gibbs turned to look at his youngest team member. "I do, McGee. I said we were going to therapy. I didn't say we had to like it."

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**Hope you liked that! Next up, the actual therapy begins! Please review!**


	2. Psyche

**Thanks for the response for the first chapter! Now if you've read 'Jump', you've read about Dr. Lauren Seris before, and in this she may seem a little...vapid, maybe? Well, she sobers up a little after spending time with the team, but really she's..how you'll see here. I hope you like this! Now a few messages to people who reviewed: **

**_Your _(My) _Favorite Lab Partner Ever_: The Gibbs slap (Schlap!) is here!**

**_Dani_: Thanks, here's more!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or any of its characters, CBS does. I also don't own _The Simpsons_ or _Sesame Street_, both of which are mentioned. I do own Dr. Lauren Seris.**

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"He's making you do _what_?" Abby yelped when she heard about the group therapy. "You guys don't need therapy! You already trust each other."

"Yeah, but apparently we have to perform a bunch of mundane, purposeless tasks to prove that." Gibbs said to her.

Abby just looked at him. "Can't you just write, like, a really nice letter or something explaining how you already trust the team and they trust you so it's really just pointless for you to go to trust therapy?"

Gibbs stared at her, before saying "Abbs? Have you ever known me to write any sort of letter? Let alone a _nice_ letter?"

"Well that's why I said 'or something'. You could write a short memo about it, or maybe a post-it note. Or, I've got it, an email!" Abby smiled confidently, but when she saw Gibbs' face her smile turned in to a perplexed frown. "Oh, that's right; you can barely turn your computer on. Huh…Maybe you could just call him."

"Abby," Gibbs said with an exasperated look. "Vance is right upstairs. Why would I call him?"

"Because it would be more polite then when you just barge in to his office without knocking or anything. And when you're polite to people, they're more willing to do things for you, like get you out of therapy!" Abby again smiled in victory.

"Do you really think I could be polite to Vance?" Gibbs said with one eyebrow quirked inquiringly.

"Okay, well maybe polite is a bad choice of words." Abby conceded slowly. "But you could at least be civil, right?"

Gibbs gave her a wicked smile. "Or I could just give the therapist hell until they decide to say we're okay to work."

"Oh, I like that idea." Tony said as he entered Abby's lab, followed by Ziva and McGee. "Could we just do that?"

"Go ahead." Gibbs said. "In fact, I encourage it."

"Excellent." Tony said, rubbing his hands together and doing his best Mr. Burns impression from _The Simpsons_.

"Gibbs," Ziva said. "We are supposed to meet in the conference room for the therapy about…now." Ziva said, looking up from her watch.

"Well let's not keep the therapist waiting." Gibbs said, as the team turned to leave the lab.

"I'm coming with you!" Abby said as she trailed after the team. "I'm not missing out on this, and if you have no cases I have no cases. Or, at least nothing interesting. Plus, what if you need some moral support?"

McGee looked at her. "Isn't that what the therapist is for?"

"Well, yeah, but who wants moral support from a stranger?" she told him.

McGee seemed satisfied with this answer and the two of them caught up with the rest of the team from where they'd been lagging behind.

Entering the conference room, the team was met by a very exuberant, petite blond woman who shrieked delightedly when she saw them. And then she made one fatal mistake. She ran up to Gibbs and threw her arms around him, all the while shrieking "Oh my God. I can already tell were all going to be great friends here!! Especially you, sir," She looked up at Gibbs, who had stiffened under her seemingly never ending death grip on him. "I can see that you and I are going to get along wonderfully! We're going to be best friends, I know it!!!"

The team stared at the awkward embrace, shocked. This woman clearly didn't know much about Gibbs if she was willing to do that. Gibbs looked like he wanted to hurt someone very, _very_ badly. And if that woman didn't let go soon, that someone would be her.

Finally she released Gibbs, and with a huge smile on her face, she turned to the team. "Hi everyone! My name is Dr. Lauren Seris, and I'm going to be you therapist! I can tell this is going to be great, can't you?" And with that, she ran to each of the team, and pulled them all in to crushing hugs. Ziva had to keep herself from pulling a knife on her, while Tony gave her an awkward pat on the back and McGee just said "Um, yeah." Abby, on the other hand, returned the hug happily. Then everyone introduced themselves, and as they said their names, Lauren squealed in delight, which was more than a little odd.

Once the introductions were done, Gibbs said "Here's what will happen: You're going to sign off that we have had our therapy, and that we all trust each other very much, and then we will go and never see you again."

Lauren's eyes widened, and she looked aghast. "Heavens no! That's terrible! That would be lying! And we can't lie! Because that would be well, lying! And lying is bad!"

"'Lying is bad.'" Tony quoted her. "I believe that they mentioned that on _Sesame Street_ this week." He muttered. That was followed by his head flying forward as it was slapped from behind by, of course, Gibbs. "Mmmm…" Tony winced. "I should have seen that coming."

"Special Agent Gibbs!" Lauren said, shocked. "First you suggest lying, and then you purposely put one of your own agents in pain? I can see why I was told that I would be solely your team's therapist. You will all be work enough! Please, Special Agent Gibbs, explain yourself." Lauren stood there waiting, tapping her foot expectantly like a mother who knew her child had done wrong and was waiting for the confession.

"Well, I mean…. It's DiNozzo!" Gibbs said, wondering since when did he, _Gibbs_, of all people, try to explain himself to anyone? This was really going to affect his reputation that he'd been carefully forming over the years.

"Yes, I can see that it's Special Agent DiNozzo. But why do you think that it's okay to slap him?"

"It's no big deal; he does it all the time." Tony said, trying to help, but then Lauren just looked more disgusted.

"Special Agent Gibbs! Is that true?" she asked him.

"It's DiNozzo!" Gibbs repeated, like that would help. "It helps to keep him in line, keep his mind on track."

"Hurting him is counter productive to his progress! Your hitting him is harming him more than helping him! Can't you see how this is affecting his psyche?!"

Gibbs glared at Tony, who looked sheepishly back at him. "Never knew my psyche had been affected." He said under his breath.

Gibbs muttered to himself "This is going to be a very long day."

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**Wow, it's gonna be war now! Please review!**


	3. Personal Space

**I would like to say thank you so much to all the people who reviewed so quickly for this, and I apologize for taking so long to update it. I thought I would do this just as a side story, but it got so many people reading that I was a little over whelmed; I'd thought I would just do this when I was bored. But now I see that it's in such high demand that I should give you guys more for being so great, so I think I'll try to post more often for it. One of the ideas here, the first exercise, was given to me by **_**amdelodder**_**, who gave me a lot of great ideas, so thanks for that! Also, for my anonymous reviewers:**

_**LM**_**: Thanks, I was afraid that everyone seemed too OOC. It's nice to know I made you laugh!**

_**allie**_**: I'll try to do that, and thanks!**

_**kelly**_**: Thanks for being enthusiastic, Bucky. ;)**

_**Your favorite Lab partner ever**_**: I knew you'd appreciate that!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters; I do own anyone you don't recognize.**

**Disclaimer 2: A little bit of language here, I'm going to tell you that now because this is labeled K+, so you are forewarned. DOn't worry, it's just one word and it's not even spoken.**

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Dr. Seris clapped her hands together. "Now, everyone, I think it's time that we got started here! So first, I think we should make sure that you are all comfortable in each other's space. You just never know when you might be trapped together in a very confined area, so it's best that it's not awkward."

"I could think of a few good ways to make close contact less awkward," Tony smirked. He could feel a whoosh of air at the back of his head that usually was a prelude to Gibbs' hand making contact with its intended target, but the head slap was interrupted by Lauren, who exclaimed "Agent Gibbs! Did we not _just_ have this discussion? Every time you cause him this physical pain, you deeply affect Tony's- is it okay if I call you Tony?" Lauren answered her own question when she just continued. "Tony's mind. Your physical abuse makes him feel worthless, and unwanted, and you are greatly lowering his self-esteem every time you put him through this."

"Um, Dr. Seris?" Tony raised his hand.

"Oh, please, call me Lauren." She responded cheerfully, giving him a bright smile while she glared at Gibbs.

"Okay, _Lauren_, um, well, Gibbs' um, _abuse_ of me, well it's not that bad. I mean it-" Tony stumbled through the words sheepishly until Lauren threw a hand up, silencing him.

"No, Tony, I do not want to hear it. You are the victim here, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Agent Gibbs' behavior towards you is inexcusable, and will be in my report. Also, Agent Gibbs," She turned to give Gibbs the evil eye. "You and I will be discussing this in our individual sessions. Later. But now, I'm going to hope that we can just continue with today's group session, and that no more of this 'head slapping' occurs. Okay?" Lauren ended on an unusually chipper note, which was more than just a little odd.

"First exercise!" She said excitedly. "I'm going to have you all work in pairs, and we're going to alternate partners often, sop everyone gets a chance to work with everyone! Won't that be great?" Lauren was still enthusiastic, though the rest of the team just stared back at her, stony faced, confused, and very, _very_ bored.

"Okay, Tony, I want you to work with," Lauren scanned the room. "Officer David- Ziva! You know what, I think I'm going to have you all call everyone here by their first names, because doesn't that just make you feel closer already? Instead of having to be so stiff and formal, we can all just be friends here!" Her happiness was not reciprocated by the team, at all.

Lauren pointed at McGee "Tim, that means you're going to be working with Jethro!" Lauren then proceeded to steer McGee towards a glowering Gibbs who looked like he wanted to shoot someone, not for the first time in the last 10 minutes.

Lauren looked at Gibbs thoughtfully. "Should I call you Jethro?" she pondered, half to herself. "Or would you rather be called Leroy? Or Leroy Jethro? Or, if you wanted, we could call you LJ, or-"

"Gibbs is fine," Gibbs said, his voice flat and showing no emotion.

"But Jethro," Lauren looked aghast. "Don't you want us all to be friends here? You're being so hostile, it's making poor Tim here cringe!" McGee's face lit up red like Christmas lights as Tony and Ziva snickered.

"You are to be called Jethro, and that is final," Lauren stated, not letting anyone get a word in edgewise to dispute this.

"Oh, and Abby?" Abby turned to face Lauren. "I don't have anyone for you to be partnered with, so maybe- Oh, I've got it!" Lauren now looked particularly proud of herself. "You can be my partner and help me demonstrate!"

"Great!" Abby said with enthusiasm that would have been forced had it been anyone else in the room saying it.

"All right, now Abby, you stand there," Lauren directed. "And now I'll stand over here. What you're all going to do is stand like this across from your partner and slowly move forward, in to each other's comfort zones, until you're touching. Doesn't that sound like fun?" Lauren seemed _way_ too pleased with herself.

McGee swallowed thickly. He was definitely not enjoying the thought of having to get in Gibbs' face. And be glared at like no tomorrow.

"Watch Abby and I demonstrate," Lauren told them, and as she said this she took a step slowly toward Abby, who did the same, and they both kept going until they were touching, basically breathing on each other. The Lauren stepped back and exclaimed "See? Easy! Now you all try."

Tony did the task with more gusto then Ziva, who narrowed her eyes at him as he got in to her face. She did not like having her personal space invaded, especially not by someone who was enjoying it a little too much, as Tony was.

"See, Ziva? I knew you couldn't keep yourself away from me," he wisecracked, which Ziva responded top by stepping on his foot. _Hard_. Tony winced and grabbed at his foot, but he didn't loose his shit-eating grin.

McGee and Gibbs were having even less luck with the exercise. Gibbs, still incensed at being called Jethro, was not stepping towards McGee, but stalking angrily, which caused McGee to back up nervously, until he got a light shove in the back from Lauren, so he nervously put one foot forward, and then another. He'd only walked those two steps until he looked up to find that he was face to face with Gibbs, whose stalk had allowed him to make time quickly across the room. McGee's eyes widened in fear and anxiety while Gibbs just continued to stare at him. He was about to turn and run away when Lauren said "Switch partners!"

Similar events occurred. Tony made fun of McGee, Ziva made McGee nervous, and Gibbs glared at and slightly frightened all of his partners.

"I think that went great!" Lauren exclaimed as they finished. "I think you've all grown closer already, don't you? Now for the next exercise. We are going to blindfold you all, and you're going to go around the room and attempt to correctly identify your partner by touch- not speaking or eyesight allowed. And please, no inappropriate touching if it can be avoided."

Tony's eyes alighted at _if_. With Ziva as his partner, oh, this was going to be fun.

"You're all going to start with your current partner. Here, have these blindfolds," Lauren handed everyone a scarf, while Tony practically cowered in fear. _His current partner was Gibbs. _He didn't want to touch Gibbs! What if his hand slipped? He might end up mentally scarred forever from this! And then Gibbs would kill him!

"Please put your blindfolds on," Lauren requested. "And once you have done so, I will place you around the room so you won't know where your partner is, and then you must find them among everyone else. Are your blindfolds secured? Jethro put your blindfold on!" She chastised Gibbs, who just stared back at her.

"Jethro, how are you supposed to look for Tony if you don't have your blindfold on?" she asked him, her hands on her hips.

"Um, can I talk to _Jethro_ for a minute, Lauren?" Abby inquired. "I think I can get him to wear his blindfold," she added, which got Lauren to nod her head.

Dragging Gibbs to a corner of the room, Abby turned once they were out of ear shot and hissed "Gibbs! You've got to participate in this stuff! I know you don't like her calling you Jethro, but just think- the sooner you do all this stuff the sooner you cam get out of here."

"Abby," Gibbs said to her. "I am NOT wearing a blindfold!"

"Come on, Gibbs, just this once? For me?" Abby grinned when he finally relented, and then she added "And please, please don't kill Tony, because when he heard he was partnered with you I thought he was going to lose his breakfast. And you almost made McGee faint earlier, with all of your glaring. Try to be a little easier on them- remember, they don't want to be here as much as you do, and they didn't get you stuck in this. And it is NOT Tony's fault that you're in trouble for slapping him; someone would have eventually gotten you for that anyway, it was only a matter of time. Besides, you know he doesn't really think of it that way, and neither do Ziva or McGee. They know you're not doing it to hurt them. Now, go out there and be the best blindfolded person you can be!" Abby spun Gibbs around and lightly pushed him towards the group, smirking while he grumbled and put on his blindfold.

"Now that we're all ready," Lauren sent a look at Gibbs. "We can begin!" She then ran around the room, dragging various members of the team with her. Once they were all situated, she clapped her hands and exclaimed "Find your partner!"

Tony, even with out his sight, ended up somehow groping Ziva, who then proceeded to knee him as she said "I found DiNozzo. Now he's on the floor."

"Ziva!" Lauren shushed her. "No talking!" She then dragged Ziva and a quivering Tony to new spots so their partners couldn't follow their voices.

Abby had to laugh at just how strange the team looked- she'd have to tell Ducky about this later. Ziva stood there, cocking her head to see if she could pick out which if the people shuffling around the room was McGee. McGee was walking in the opposite direction, until he smacked in to a wall and decided to turn around. Tony was feeling around nervously with his hands held very high, to ensure that there was no accidental unwanted touching. And Gibbs- well, Gibbs just stood there, like a statue, and even with his blindfold on, Abby could tell he was glaring. Though Gibbs seemed to have the best strategy, whether he actually knew it or not. By letting Tony look for him, they wouldn't constantly be walking past each other.

McGee plowed right in to Ziva, who steadied herself on him, and then put her hands more firmly on his shoulders, and was about to announce finding McGee when Lauren clamped a hand over her mouth and said "Keep your blindfold on, and don't give it away. Just stand together, but don't speak, because we still have to let Tony and Jethro find each other, and if you say you've found each other, they won't find each other using touch, they'll just feel for the only remaining person."

Ziva had to admit that the logic was correct, so she and McGee stood together with their blindfolds still intact while Tony continued to blunder around the room searching for Gibbs.

After about another minute, Tony walked in to another person. He wasn't sure who it was, so he put his arms on the other person's arms and slowly made his way up, patting them along the way. Okay, it wasn't Ziva, it was definitely a guy. He patted past the person's shoulder and up to their face. He felt like there was definitely a wrinkle of unhappiness in the person's forehead, and they had hair that was shorter in the sides than on top. _Wait- that could only mean-_

Tony jumped back like he'd been burned, his eyes wide under his blindfold. That was Gibbs! He'd just practically patted down Gibbs from the arms up! HIS BOSS! His boss who was going to kill him now! Tony began to hyperventilate, even as Lauren said "Great job everybody! You can remove your blindfolds now!"

Tony would rather not remove his blind fold, because that would mean looking at Gibbs, but that decision was being made for him when he felt the scarf being peeled off his face and he was looking in to the eyes of his boss. His very unhappy looking boss.

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**Oooh, is Gibbs gonna kill Tony? You'll have to stick around for that one. Please review!**


	4. Scissors

**I'm sorry for taking so long when I said I wouldn't, but I had to write a mandatory story that I had problems fitting in to the 1,000 word parameters that took up all my time. Actually, characters from that story are mentioned in here- Lorelei and Blake, and Blake's friends. Neither of them are the main character from my story, but yes, everyone does hate Lorelei, and in good reason, too. But enough on that, on with the story!**

_**95Devilor5Angelyouchoose**_**: Thanks so much, and yep, only Abby has that kind of power over Gibbs!**

_**Your Favorite Lab Partner**_**: You're not supposed to want him dead!! ;) Sorry, in this fic Jenny's already gone, because she would never have put the team through this kind of torture, only Vance is capable of that! But Ducky will be making an appearance shortly!**

_**Kelly: **_**Thanks much, Bucky!**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own NCIS or any of its characters, CBS does. I do own Lorelei and Blake, and anyone else you don't know.**

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"Uh, hi, Boss, I, uh…oh, look, there's Ziva! I'm gonna go over there, with the assassin who can maybe save my skin!" Tony hissed the last part as he ducked and made a run for cover behind Ziva. But as he was in mid-lunge, Lauren called out, "Tony, we don't run in here! Running can hurt people!", which threw Tony off balance and sent him flying in to McGee, who in turn tripped up Ziva as he went down, which sent all three careening in to a wall, where they landed ungracefully in a mass of tangled limbs.

"See? What did I tell you?" Lauren shook her head at the agents, looking like a mother scolding a child. "Running can hurt you, and others! And running with scissors, oh, you could kill someone like that!" She knelt down beside the three who were still in a heap. "Scissors are a deadly weapon. When I was eight years old, I started a petition to get scissors banned from the school district, but it never went through. People just don't understand what killing machines scissors can be! And don't listen to what they say about safety scissors, either. Scissors are only safe when they're locked up where they can't harm anyone!" Lauren then stood and walked off, still muttering about scissors.

The team attempted to extricate themselves from each other. "Are you sure," Ziva began as she pulled her leg out from underneath McGee's head. "That she is completely sane? She seems to be the one in need of therapy."

"Or an asylum," McGee muttered as he pulled himself up.

"Are you guys okay? What happened?" Abby rushed over to the team. "I leave for a Caf-Pow and when I come back you guys are on the floor! How am I ever supposed to leave you alone if you keep ending up like this when I'm not here? And Gibbs, get over here! Why aren't you helping them?"

Gibbs slowly pushed himself off the wall he'd been leaning against and approached his team. He found Dr. Seris more than a little annoying and she very much so reminded him of a girl he'd met in high school, Lorelei. Lorelei had constantly followed around this group of people who obviously didn't want her around, to the point where the British one, Blake, would be shouting, "Shut up, Lorelei!", though he often replaced 'Lorelei' with other, ruder words. Lorelei always pointed out someone's lack of etiquette, manners, and people's disregard for safety and rules. Gibbs could very easily see Lorelei writing a petition to ban scissors. Maybe she and Lauren were related…

"Gibbs, now!" Abby was helping Tony nurse his head, which had come in to harsh contact with the wall and now was bleeding, not in a life threatening way, but in a way that looked like it might need stitches.

Gibbs walked up to Tony and whispered to him, "If that cut of yours can get us out of this hell hole, I'll try to forget about your feeling me up earlier."

"It was above the waist!" Tony squeaked as Gibbs glared at him reproachfully. "Thank God," he muttered as an after thought. If it hadn't been all above the waist, then by now Ducky would be getting very well acquainted with Tony's innards.

"Oh my, Tony, are you all right?" Lauren seemed to have finished raving against scissors for the time being.

"Um, I think I'll live, but, oh, this really hurts, and I think I may need some stitches," Tony said, feigning intense agony while remembering Gibbs' words. He wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to have Gibbs' 'forgive and forget', considering that this _was_ Gibbs, who rarely forgave and never forgot.

"Oh, you poor thing!" Lauren squealed, a look of pity adorning her features. "I heard that the M.E. here, Dr. Mallard, do you know him? Well, I heard he's actually quite good at stitching up wounds, even on live people! How about you go down there now, and have him fix you up, and we'll wait for you so you don't miss one minute of the fun!"

"We wouldn't want that, now would we?" Ziva said just loud enough for all to hear. She just smiled innocently at the look Lauren gave her. Or, at least as innocent as Ziva _can _look.

At a look from Gibbs, Tony winced and exclaimed, "OW! Oh, wow, that hurts, I'm not sure that a visit to Duck- I mean, Dr Mallard will be enough, Lauren. I think this may need the hospital!" Tony winced inwardly; he hated the hospital, but if this would get Gibbs off his back, it was worth it.

"Should I call an ambulance?" Lauren's eyes were wide, and she looked ready to dive at the phone.

"No, I think that my boss here can just drive me," he told her, receiving a slight nod of approval from Gibbs.

McGee and Ziva started waving wildly behind Lauren's back, gesturing for him to get them out of this, too. None of them could really stand Dr. Seris, save for Abby, who was starting to find Lauren grating.

Tony thought for a moment, before saying, "You know, I've never been good in hospitals, so I think I may need the moral support of my team mates to get me through this traumatizing ordeal."

"Oh, yes, of course!" Lauren nodded her head vigorously, to the point where she almost had a bobble-head doll beat.

"But wait," Lauren stopped nodding for a minute and looked worried. "What about our session? I mean, It's bad enough that you're leaving, Tony, but if everyone goes? Then what would I do?"

"I think," Gibbs said, taking over for his agent. "That you should just mark this session as completed. We did finish two exercises."

"But your session is supposed to be for a day," Lauren looked like she was about to cry.

Ziva could see that this situation was going downhill, quickly, so she stepped on Tony's foot as hard as she could.

"OW!" he screeched. "Ziva, what the-" Then Tony caught on to the reason for her actions and said, "Oh, Lauren, I don't think I'm going to make it much longer! Problems because of extreme blood loss run in my family! My uncle Frank got cancer from it!"

"_Cancer?_" Ziva mouthed at him.

"_I don't know!_" Tony mouthed back. "_I couldn't think of anything else!_"

"Not cancer!" Lauren looked horrified now. "Oh my gosh, we need to get you to the hospital right away! I'll come with you!"

Everyone else looked terrified of the idea, except for Gibbs, who was never terrified by, well, anything. Abby decided that she'd join in with the charade and exclaimed, "But Lauren, you can't! You have a duty to all of the other people here at NCIS! What if someone desperately needs your help, and your not here? Then what would they do? They might even," Abby lowered her voice drastically. "_Run with scissors_."

"NO!" Lauren began to hyperventilate. "I can't let that happen!! No, I won't! All of you get Tony to a hospital now before the blood loss gives him cancer! Don't worry, I'm signing that you've finished today's session. I'm sorry, but I must stay behind and protect the good people of NCIS from the scissor menace!"

The group stared at Lauren for a second before bolting to the door, then, remembering to look calm, they began to power walk out the door and down the hall.

Once they were all safely in the elevator, Gibbs said, "Cancer, DiNozzo?"

"I couldn't think of anything else!" Tony exclaimed.

Gibbs looked at him, and then said, "Yeah, but are you sure that developing _cancer_ from blood loss runs in your family, because it seems to me that it's more like brain damage."

"It's one or the other," Tony muttered as they all piled in to an NCIS van and left for the hospital.

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**Well, Tony got out of his Gibbs punishment, but now they have to figure out how to get rid of Lauren all together, but don't worry, that'll be a very slow process, possibly slower than the one for ridding the world of the scissor menace! Please review!**


	5. McGee's Feminine Side

**Wanna know what's even slower than saving the world from the scissor menace? My posting rate. I know, I'm INCREDIBLY slow, and here are my excuses (all true, by the way): **

**1. I was on vacation in the UK for over a week with very limited computer access. **

**2. My 'r' key was broken a while back, which made typing nearly impossible.**

**3. I have an order to posting my 3 stories, and this was in slot # 3.**

**4. I was camping this weekend, making this update later than expected.**

**5. I just got a new puppy, and I have to perpetually look after her all moments of the day if I can't get someone else to.**

**Well, I think those suffice. Though I still suck at posting on time. Sorry! But, look, more story, so go read while I run from your mob with pitch forks and torches! **Runs Away Screaming "Don't Hurt Me!"****

_**Your Favorite Lab Partner**_**: Brinna actually survived scissors today!! I didn't even have to give her the baby scissors! OR TAPE THEM!! I was so proud!**

_**P**_**: Well, here's more!**

_**Mk**_**: Thanks much!**

_**eVeRyThInGblaCK**_**: Glad you like it! Here's more!**

_**JennElaine**_**: Thanks! It's not soon at all, but here's more!**

_**Kelly**_**: I ran with 2 pairs of outward facing scissors today. I am soooo bad. Thanks, and you're better now! I wanna see those gills!**

**Sorry if I missed anyone!!! Thanks anyways!**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own NCIS or any of its characters, they all belong to CBS. I also don't own McDonald's or any of their products, though I do love their food. I do own Lauren and anyone you don't know.**

* * *

The team sat in the local McDonald's, Tony holding a compress to his head. After a bandaging, the wound had stopped bleeding, no stitches needed. Not that they'd let Lauren know that.

"Okay, I've got it," Tony said excitedly, sitting up from his slumped position. "We kill her, and then frame her for her own murder. Here's how it goes: We kill her, and then disguise her as one of us, probably McGee because he looks the most like a short blond woman."

"Hey!" McGee exclaimed indignantly, while Abby laughed and Ziva chuckled quietly. Even the corner of Gibbs' mouth up turned slightly with amusement at his agent's expense.

"Continuing," Tony shot a mock glare at McGee, as if his outburst had irrevocably messed up his entire speech.

"The one of us who Lauren is disguised as has to become a totally new person, because their old self will be believed dead. We place incriminating evidence against Lauren at the crime scene, making it look like she killed the "victim", who'll really be her. Lauren will never be found, because she'll be dead, and she'll be wanted for killing "herself". It's totally foolproof." Ziva raised an eyebrow at him.

"What," she asked. "Happens to the person who Lauren is disguised as? If they're believed dead, what do they do?"

Tony stopped and thought for a while, and then said, "Well, they get to rebuild they're life from scratch, which, hey, can be helpful, if you've had any really embarrassing things you want to get rid of, look, clean slate, so I really think McGee's fit for the job, seeing he has so many scary things hiding in his mental closet."

"I do not!" McGee cried.

"So you _do_ have a mental closet!" Abby exclaimed triumphantly. "So, tell us, McGee, what kind of deep, dark secrets do you have in there? Do you have any of the usual closet secrets, you know, the kind that involve some guy love? It's totally okay, don't get me wrong, because we love you no matter what! And I once went out with a guy who confessed to me that he had this giant man crush on these dudes he worked with, and we went to counseling about it and he kept insisting he was straight and that something was messing with his head so he kept having fantasies of guys at work making out with each other in morbid places, like cemeteries and morgues. Turns out he was right, his house was full of lead paint that he'd been inadvertently getting high off of, but that's not the point. The point is that maybe you're like him, just without the whole lead paint factor. Tim, do you have fantasies about your coworkers getting it on in Autopsy? Or, better yet, have you ever fantasized about Gibbs and Ducky making out over a dead body? Have you?"

McGee didn't respond, because he'd passed out from the shock and embarrassment of what Abby had been saying.

"Nah, he's straight," Abby said, looking down at McGee's body slumped over the table, headfirst in his Big Mac. "A gay man in denial would have freaked out and denied it. A straight man who knows he's never going to live this down passes out."

The rest of the team just stared at Abby, dumbstruck. Tony then broke out laughing, imagining all of the good times making fun of the Probie this would bring him. Ziva, on the other hand, was valiantly trying not to chuckle, and failing miserably, as she soon put her head in her hand and gave in to a fit of giggles.

Gibbs just stared. He would be blushing if he hadn't trained himself not to years back. Blushing was a sign of weakness; it showed people that they'd gotten to you. But still, his eyes widened at the idea of himself and Ducky. He'd had 4 wives! He thought that stood for something! Though, then again, Abby would probably argue that he was in denial and trying to trick himself in to thinking he was something he wasn't. She'd claim that there were some deeper reasons why his marriages after Sharon didn't work out.

Gibbs didn't have to think of something to say, because Ziva calmed down and, looking at McGee warily, asked, "Should we move him? He may suffocate if he keeps trying to literally inhale his food."

"Oh. Yeah. Guess we should. It'd be a real hassle if we had to get start training a new probie." Tony grudgingly lifted his coworker's head from his food. Abby reached over to pluck some lettuce off his face, which she popped in her mouth and said, "Hey, it doesn't taste like McGee! Seriously, try some!"

Tony and Ziva began to tentatively eat McGee's food, both from his box and his face. Gibbs wondered to himself how he ended up with such an obscure team. None of them thought to wake McGee; they let him wake up slowly to them eating his meal.

"Hey!" he objected. Then he paused and wondered aloud, "Wait! What happened?"

"You fainted," Tony said around his mouthful of McGee's fries.

At McGee's objectionable look, Abby cooed, "Aw, it's okay! It was a manly faint; what would you guys call it to make yourselves feel better? Uh...You passed out! You blacked out! Yeah, stuff like that!"

"Nah, he fainted," Tony told her. "Or should I say, _swooned_. Just proves how much of a chick he is."

"I am NOT a woman!" McGee objected loudly, earning him quite a few stares and chuckles from surrounding diners.

"And that objection proves that you are, _Tabitha_," Tony smirked.

"Tabitha?" Ziva's eyes narrowed. "Why would you call him Tabitha?"

"Because it's the closest thing I can think of to Timothy!" Tony exclaimed. "But it still fulfills its intended purpose: McGee's a girl."

* * *

**I know this is extremely random, but I think it works. I actually told my friend I'd murder her the way Tony wants to kill Lauren. And my sister kept saying that I should write a story with Gibbs and Ducky making out over Kate's dead body and Kate had been dating the both of them when she was alive, though she only openly dated Ducky. ** Shudders and Gags** No offense if your a Gibbs/Ducky fan, but as much of a slash fan as I am, that one freaks me out. Old people getting it on...UH! If you wanna know more about that, listen to the song "Boombox" by The Lonely Island. That's right, the same guys who brought you "I'm on a Boat". Just wanted to let y'all know that. Please review!!!**


	6. Dreams of Candy Land

**Alright, everyone, my only excuse is sheer, unadulterated laziness on my behalf. Yes, I'm terrible, but I believe we've covered this before. I did notice in my stories, though, if you want to know what obscure things will pop up in this chapter, read the disclaimer. It's very enlightening.**

_**Your Favorite Lab Partner Ever**_**:****1. I miss Ezekiel too. 2. Abby tends to have creepy/quirky boyfriends; look at the stalker one. 3. I almost threw up at her little pairing, which she fondly named DucKibbs. Her mind is under quarantine until further notice. 4. Thank you very much!**

_**Kelly**_**: It's okay that you're slow at reading, because you reviewed! Thanks!**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own NCIS or any of its characters, they belong to CBS. I do own Dr. Lauren Seris. I do not own James Bond, Magnum, P.I., McDonald's/Happy Meals, Candy Land, Captain Planet and the Planeteers, or the Cheshire Cat/Alice in Wonderland. I mean no offense to anyone from Myanmar, and only a few squirrels and unicorns were harmed in the writing of this chapter. Just a few!**

* * *

The team returned to NCIS the next day and stood in the hallway outside the conference room, debating if they should actually enter or continue their ruse of Tony's injury. Ziva had suggested actually injuring Tony to make it more believable, but that idea had been vetoed by Gibbs because then Tony couldn't work.

"Guys, you've got to go see her eventually," Abby said, tapping her foot impatiently.

"No," Tony corrected her as if he was talking to a slow child. This earned a glare from Abby. "We could just run away and leave D.C. for some new place, maybe like Burma! And then we could assume new identities so we won't be tracked by the American government, and then-" Tony's head then flew forward due to the force of Gibbs' hand flying against it.

"What is it with you and getting new identities lately?" Gibbs wondered aloud. Continuing, he said, "We're NCIS, DiNozzo, or have you forgotten? We don't run away from anything, especially not an overly exuberant psychiatrist. Running away is an FBI thing. So we're going in."

Gibbs began heading towards the room, and as he walked, he added, "By the way, DiNozzo, Burma doesn't exist anymore." Tony looked shocked.

"What?!" he exclaimed. "Why, what happened to it?!" Tony sounded as if he was worried that the country had gone missing, or had been stolen.

"It's now called Myanmar," Ziva told him as they followed Gibbs into the conference room. "And in its current state, you may not want to be visiting some parts of it."

Before Tony could ask about its state, there was an anguished cry, and then Lauren was squeezing him with very surprising strength considering her stature.

"OMG, TONY! I was SO afraid that you were going to die! Wait, why would they release you so early after this life-threatening experience?" Lauren pulled back slightly and looked at Tony thoughtfully.

"Do you think she's on to us?" McGee whispered to Abby.

"Nah," Abby replied after a moment. "I think she's daydreaming, actually."

At the same time, Ziva and Gibbs were having their own conversation.

"What does that even mean?!" Ziva asked Gibbs. "'OMG'? It must stand for something, as 'ohm-gah' doesn't make any sense." She looked at Gibbs expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"Don't look at me." He raised his hands in front of him in the universal 'not-my-place' gesture. "I have no idea what any of these new abbreviations stand for."

"Um, well you see, Lauren, I, uh…" Tony fumbled for a way to smooth over the situation while keeping Lauren in the dark. Then his eyes lit as an idea dawned on him.

"Well, Lauren, they wanted to keep me there longer, but I told them, 'No! I have to get back to therapy! Lauren is there, and we're such great friends, I just can't stand missing it!' So I convinced them to let me come back here, so I wouldn't miss any of the fun."

"I don't believe 'fun' is the correct word," Ziva muttered darkly. Lauren for once didn't hear her because she was too busy bawling her eyes out.

"Oh, Tony!" she sobbed. "That is SO sweet! I can't believe you enjoyed yourself so much you would go though pain just to come see me!"

"Well, someone had to help you defend the world from the scissor menace," Tony said with a smirk, believing that, oh yes, he _was_ the true Master of Deception. They should put him in movies or something. Preferably as a detective or spy, because then he could have gadgets like James Bond, but he'd want Magnum's car, so…Magnum's car with Bond's gadgets built in! Oh, yeah, he was _definitely_ the man. He was a genius!

Tony had been too busy dreaming about being a Bond-Magnum hybrid to notice the look of sheer joy in Lauren's eyes. Finally, someone else understood her quest to make the world a safer place by ridding it of scissors! They could campaign together! She could imagine it now. They'd have t-shirts and buttons made, and they'd go picket the White House! They would have signs and banners made, and of course pamphlets to pass out to people on the street. They could rally around the world together, going to all the political seats of power and demanding that scissors be outlawed! It was a perfect plan!

And soon, after their campaign had spread, they'd have an army of anti-scissor soldiers! The world could be taken over by their Anti-Scissor Force! Lauren took this time to indulge her inner evil scientist and mentally laughed a very malicious (and insane, because this IS Lauren) laugh. She then imagined everyone wearing putting their fists together and saying, "Go, Anti-Scissor Force!"

Huh. It just didn't have the same ring to it as "Go Planet!" did. Because, of course, she got a lot of her thoughts from the old cartoon, Captain Planet and the Planeteers. Scissors and pollution go hand in hand.

"Is anyone going to actually get anything _done_ here, or are you just going to daydream for the rest of the day?" Gibbs asked impatiently, drawing both Tony and Lauren out of their thoughts.

"Actually, Jethro, that's a _wonderful_ idea!" Lauren chirped brightly. Gibbs growled slightly at being called Jethro, but Lauren either didn't hear it, or thought it was a sign of encouragement to continue.

"I wasn't sure what we'd do today, but that sounds great! We'll all sit in a circle on the floor- cross-legged, of course, because everyone feels more open and ready to imagine and share that way- and we'll just daydream for a few hours and then, at the end of today's session, we'll all tell what we've imagined to the group! Doesn't that sound enchanting?"

"No," Gibbs replied flatly, but now Lauren was openly ignoring him, or she was hearing impaired.

"And then, this can help us kick off our homework!" Lauren plowed on jovially. There was a collective groan from most of the team.

"Today, you'll start your Dream Journals." Lauren's tone of awe and wonder was completely wasted on her less-than-enthusiastic audience. "Every night you'll sleep with your Dream journal under your pillow, to help you remember to write in it. Then, the next morning, as soon as you open those bright and chipper eyes, you'll write down everything you remember dreaming. Then you'll bring it in, and we'll analyze it as a group so we can help you find out its meaning, while simultaneously learning more about each other. It's going to be so much fun!" Those bright and chipper eyes did not seem to agree with her, but Lauren was as oblivious as ever.

Lauren clapped her hands, as if there was anything else in the room that might have dragged their dismally bored minds away from her. "Let's get started!" she shouted, as she proceeded to drop to the floor and cross her legs in less than five seconds. She looked up at the team impatiently and gestured for them to join her.

The team looked at Gibbs, waiting to see what they should do. Gibbs and Abby had a quick staring contest until Gibbs let out a long suffering sigh and began to sit down, the rest of the team following his lead.

"Yay!" Lauren squealed, clapping her hands in delight like an excited toddler. She then continued, "Okay everyone, now close your eyes, relax your muscles and your mind, take some cleansing breaths, and dream."

Then everything was very silent, as no one wanted to disturb Lauren. Gibbs just stared ahead, unblinking, but definitely not dreaming as far as anyone else could tell.

McGee attempted to daydream, but it's not very easy to do when someone tells you to do it and most of your team is staring around, bound to see you. It's like being told to go to the bathroom with an audience; no one can do it and not be embarrassed, except for maybe dogs, and even then they don't like to go in front of people if it can be avoided.

Tony continued his earlier fantasy, and picked up where it had left off- he'd just saved the girl and she was telling him how she didn't think she could ever repay him. And then…

Ziva watched as Tony got a very Cheshire cat like grin on his face, and he looked quite happy with himself. She could only imagine what he'd be thinking of; no, wait, she could probably guess. He was some kind of hero who'd just saved the girl and she was _repaying_ him. She sighed. Only Tony would daydream about that. Ziva just wanted to hear what he'd say when they had to discuss their "imaginings". She herself planned on maybe doing some form of silent meditation, but she most definitely wouldn't _daydream_. She was a Mossad officer! The Mossad did not daydream; they'd all get killed if they did! Lauren clearly needed to better understand who she was working with. But, then again, she'd hugged Gibbs, so her insanity had already been proven.

Abby was maybe the only part of the group to attempt to do as Lauren asked, but she soon found it much more interesting to start up a conversation in sign language with Gibbs.

_What are you doing? _Abby signed.

_Staring._ Gibbs replied.

_I can see that, but _why_ are you staring?_

_Because if I look at Lauren I think I may decide to shoot her._

_Bad Gibbs! We're not supposed to shoot the therapist!_

_She's a psychopath!_

_No, she's not psychopathic, she's just…_ Abby paused in her signing, trying to think of a word to properly describe Lauren Seris' particular brand of crazy. She soon continued. _Well, she's certainly been dropped on her head a few too many times, and someone stole most of the fries from her Happy Meal, but she's not psychopathic, just…special._

_Special. _Gibbs signed back with a raised eyebrow.

Abby just scowled back at him. Their conversation then continued for most of the remainder of the day's session, usually discussing Lauren's insanity.

A timer that no one had known was set dinged, and with it, Lauren's eyes sprang open and she stretched happily, saying, "Wasn't that refreshing? I just had the most wonderful dream. Now we'll all share our dreams, so I'll go first.

I was in a glorious meadow, and there were happy squirrels and unicorns and there was a rainbow you could slide down in to a sea of cotton candy, and there were Gumdrop Trees and a Candy Cane Forest and…" Lauren continued in that thread for another 5 minutes.

"Do you think she actually dreamt this stuff, or did she just read the back of the _Candy Land_ box?" Tony asked.

"The what?" Ziva asked.

"It's a children's board game," McGee told her. "Where all the places and characters are candy themed."

"I swear there was a Candy Cane Forest in that game," Tony muttered.

"There was," Abby said. "But the gumdrops were on Gumdrop Mountain, and the trees were Sugarplum Trees, if I remember correctly.'

"Why do you two know so much about a children's game?" Ziva asked with a teasing glint in her eyes.

"Hey, it's candy themed!" Tony defended himself. "You can't beat that."

"…And then my unicorn, Rainbow Sprinkles Supreme, came to the rescue and we all lived happily ever after." Lauren finished her nauseatingly sweet summary and looked around for her next victim, er, the next person to share. Her eyes landed on Ziva.

"Ziva! How about you tell us what you dreamed?"

Ziva did not look like she wanted to have anything to do with sharing, but then she got a wicked look in her eyes.

"Well, Lauren," she said with an evil smirk. "My dream was much like your own, but the squirrels were rabid and needed to be shot, and the unicorns were trying to kill everyone, so I shot them too, and the Candy Cane Forest and Gumdrop trees were on fire, and everything was in such disarray that I decided to blow it up." Lauren looked like she might cry again.

"That's terrible! Don't tell me you had to," she stopped to let out a sob, and then continued in a whisper, "_Put down your unicorn_."

"Oh, yes, I did." Ziva was enjoying herself a little too much. "It was actually on fire, so I had to shoot it, but I still wouldn't die, so I shot it again, and about seven more times before it went down. It was very tragic."

"Oh my," Lauren said right before she began sobbing again. "That's horrible! Ziva, I'm so sorry!" She looked up at the team with tear-filled eyes.

"I'm so sorry, but I'm going to have to cut our session a little short. I'm just so emotional! But please, don't forget to write in your Dream Journals!" She handed them each a colorfully decorated composition notebook.

"Goodbye everyone, I'm so sorry! And Ziva, I know that must have been hard for you, but it'll all be okay." Lauren seemed to be saying this to assure herself more than Ziva, who was a little surprised that Lauren had reacted so violently.

As they entered the corridor, Abby turned to Ziva and asked, "You didn't really imagine that, did you?"

"Nope," Ziva said, sounding proud of herself. "But think of it this way: now none of you have to share, at least for today."

"And for that, I think we're all grateful, Ziva," Gibbs said.

"Yeah, but what about the Dream Journals?" McGee asked. "You don't really expect us to fill them out accurately, do you, Boss?" Gibbs slanted him a look.

"You only have to be as truthful as Ziva, McGee."

* * *

**I think this is about as strange as you can get, people. Forgive me if there are any mistakes about Candy Land, I haven't played it in a very long time; okay, my cousin made me play a year or two ago and my brother and guy cousins came and got way too competitive until the 4 year old got sick of them and left. And the same younger cousin made me play Candy Land on the computer with her, and may I just say that I beat the game and rocked at it. The conversation about Myanmar/Burma was paraphrased from the show **_**Bones**_**, where Brennan's brother Russ says that his step-daughters were told he was in Burma when he was in prison, and Brennan tell him that Burma no longer exists. My sister and I love his reaction, which was quite like Tony's where he sounded like it had gone missing. It's very hard to describe, but we couldn't stop laughing at it. And I've always hated Captain Planet, but I won't rant at you about it unless you ask me to. Anyways, REVIEW!!! Please?**


	7. Deadly Injuries

**It's alive!!!! **Maniacal, evil-inventor laugh** Whoo, okay, now that **_**that**_** is done, welcome back to Adventures in Therapy, we hope that you've enjoyed your flight, but the plane is now landing. Please stow all of your weapons in the overhead compartment and return you seats to their full, upright and locked positions, ensuring that the tray table in front of you is securely locked. Face forward and try to refrain from attacking the author upon your landing. We've enjoyed flying with you here on air Six Month Procrastination, and let's all pray that you never have to join us again!**

**Okay, yeah, I'm real bad, it's been acknowledged, but there's nothing you can do about it now. **Ducks Medieval flail** I said all weapons in the overhead compartments! Geeze, the nerve of some people. Anywho, look, Ducky AND Jimmy Palmer appear in this one! Go see! This next paragraph is something that I'm putting in the latest chapters of all of my stories.**

**Something I've been wondering for a long time, and I mean this purely in a scientific way- think of it as a demographic- I was wondering, do any guys read my stories? I know that there are way more females on this site, and I've only come across about ten people who've ever blithely stated that they're a male. You don't have to tell me, though purely out of interest, I'd like to know. I promise I won't stalk you (much ;) )! I really only care because I want to see if I can aim the stories toward a wider group of people- I've been talking a lot with a friend of mine one here- see Jane McBrennan- about writing and I was thinking that if I wanted a chance at going professional one day-fat chance that it is- I'd want to widen my audience range. And now for some review replies!**

_**Your Favorite Lab Partner**_**: Yes, Sprinkles, you got to make an appearance. Aren't you excited? Thanks, and I am still waiting for my hat!!!**

_**Kelly**_**: Thanks! I'm a later poster than you are a reviewer.**

_**Not here**_**: Well, I am updating, though a lot later than intended.**

_**Guaidianangel1997**_**: Ziva very well may get into a fight with Lauren. We'll just have to see!**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own NCIS or its characters. I do own Lauren Seris and her insanity. I don't own the Crayola Company, just a few of their products. There's some breaking the fourth wall here, and I love it!**

* * *

The next morning, Gibbs did not wake up with bright and chipper eyes. In fact, he woke up with more of a scowl as he remembered his "assignment" and that he was supposed to write about his dreams in some journal that looked like it belonged to a kindergarten schoolgirl on hallucinogens.

Because, really, when Lauren decorated something, she went all out. You couldn't say that the girl didn't put forth any effort, that was for sure. But considering Gibbs had not yet had his morning coffee, even the thought of the notebook's bright colors and clustered, haphazard (let's not forget obnoxious and juvenile) decoration was enough to give him the beginnings of a migraine. Coffee first, then he'd tackle this "homework" deal.

It took Gibbs about twenty minutes to crawl out from underneath his boat (because, really, he spent so much time there he didn't really need a bed anymore), start up his morning coffee, shower, and change. He'd just sat down with his morning coffee, and as he took his first sip of the wonderful brew, he picked up that irritating journal and opened it, looking at the crisp new lined paper that filled it. He'd decided that maybe playing Vance and Lauren's therapy game was the way to go if he wanted to get back in the field more quickly, so he'd have to try and think up something to write. But, like he'd told McGee before, he only had to be as truthful as Ziva. After staring for a moment, Gibbs got an idea. He grabbed a pen, and he began to write...

* * *

"Okay, did anyone actually _do_ that stupid assignment thing?" Tony asked in the bullpen later that morning. They'd all planned to convene there before going to face Lauren together.

I mean, really people, would _you_ want to be trapped alone in a room with her? I thought not.

"I just wrote in a note that I'd had a 'nightmare' about my previous 'dream' and that I was too horrified to write it out again," Ziva replied, a small grin on her face at her own clever idea. Knowing how Lauren was, she could probably work off of her "dream" for quite some time without being forced to write anything. She asked Tony in return, "Did you write anything?"

"Why should I bother? It's not like she really cares. Well, she probably _does_, just because she's Lauren, but that's not the point. All you have to do is mention scissors and she'll go off on some tangent, never to return until the end of the session. Id anyone take this whole thing seriously?"

The two agents looked at each other, and then turned to McGee, who'd been suspiciously quiet and was now blushing furiously in a fascinating shade of scarlet while trying to surreptitiously hide a neon notebook covered in stickers and swaths of materials.

"Probie," Tony began, walking toward poor Tim in a manner that looked more like stalking. "What are you trying to hide?"

"N-nothing," the junior agent stammered in reply, "I don't know w-what you're t-talking about." At that moment tony made a lunge for the notebook. McGee fought back valiantly, but the journal was wrenched from his hands with much wrestling and elbowing. Tony quickly moved backwards to avoid McGee's angered and embarrassed advances towards him as he flipped open the notebook and scanned its contents.

"You actually _did _the assignment?" he inquired incredulously, "Who actually would do that other than you?"

"I did," a new voice said from behind Tony, a voice that happened to belong to a certain silver-haired fox. "Are you saying that there's something wrong with that?"

"Of course not Boss!" Tony was quick to say, trying to cover his backside the best he could.

"I believe it was an assignment, DiNozzo. You know, like one that you actually _do_?" Gibbs raised a brow as Tony scrambled desperately for a fitting answer. "Don't bother trying to answer, DiNozzo, we're not going to have time for you to dream one up; we're do with the psychiatrist in five." With that, he left for therapy, his team scurrying to follow him like ducklings in a line.

Abby was at the doors of the conference room, ready to meet them. In her hands she held a journal that she'd obviously redecorated, considering Lauren wouldn't have gothed out the book. "Nice book," Gibbs commented as he pushed open the heavy doors to the conference room, Abby joining his trail of ducklings.

"Hello all!" Lauren sang as soon as they'd all entered the room. "What a glorious day this is! I had such a _wonderful_ sleep last night, and my morning yoga, well, that just left me even more energized! Not to mention my after-yoga aerobic class and four mile morning jog."

"That's just obsessive," Ziva muttered to McGee, who made a small noise of agreement in return. Ziva was proud of being in good shape and strong enough to hold her own against men twice her size, but that much activity, all in such a small, early time frame was outrageous, even to her.

"And of course," Lauren blathered on, "Before my morning exercise ritual, I was sure to write in my dream journal." Apparently Lauren insisted on always saying the words "dream journal" with extreme awe and amazement.

With enough speed to give someone a really nasty case of whiplash, Lauren yanked out her journal. The velocity of the journal was too high, though, so the book went flying in the air in a graceful ark, landing in a heap across the room while letting some lovely crayon drawings of Lauren's "friends", i.e. unicorns and some sort of giant butterfly, fly across the room and flutter to the ground. At the same time Lauren let out a yelp as her wrist dislocated and the muscles were stretched unnaturally. That's right; Lauren injured her wrist just by pulling out her dream journal at high speeds. Her dream journal is so important to her that it's a hard covered, leather-bound tome that rivals ancient texts and encyclopedias. She uses it just that much.

"Hey, what's this?" McGee asked, ignoring Lauren as she began to hyperventilate and stare at her wrist as if it was a foreign, offensive object, big fat tears flowing down her face in an extremely unbecoming manner. You know how they say that if someone looks pretty while they're crying, then it's not real because everyone looks bad while crying? Well Lauren takes that to a whole new level. She sobbed and shuddered and looked ready to pass out due to a sprain. Tony, if he hadn't already ruled her out of his "possible dates" book due to her being a "psycho-psychologist", would have dumped her right then because she was crying like she'd been told that the world was about to end. Or that some unicorns had gotten indigestion.

Anyways, back to McGee because he's now feeling a tad bit rejected at his discovery being ignored.

McGee held up a picture, drawn in crayon (what else?) and showed it to Ziva. Ziva looked, looked again, blinked her eyes a few times to ensure she was seeing things correctly, and then promptly began to burst out laughing. She took the picture from McGee and showed it to Abby, who soon joined her laughter while McGee chuckled at his find.

"What? What is it?" Tony began jumping up and down, trying to see what it was that everyone found so hilarious, but his attempts were foiled as Ziva continuously kept her back to him, moving so he couldn't ever see what she held. Gibbs reached over Ziva's shoulder and plucked the picture from her grasp and examined it for himself, before the corner of his mouth twitched almost infinitesimally. In fact, it was so small that the microscopic bacteria on his face felt nothing more than a slight tremble on an otherwise peaceful day.

"What is it?!" Tony complained loudly. Everyone had forgotten about Lauren, who was now located in a pained heap in the corner, moaning pitifully. But no one likes her, so she was ignored.

Finally deeming it time to share with Tony the source of everyone's mirth (Lauren didn't have any mirth because she was having hallucinations in the corner, because we all know that sprained wrists lead to hallucinations), Gibbs handed the crayon drawing to Tony. Tony, like Ziva, did a double take and then turned a most delightful shade of puce.

In a messy, childish style, a picture had been drawn in Crayola non-toxic crayon. It depicted Lauren and another on a winged unicorn, presumably Rainbow Sprinkles Supreme, flying over a rainbow that looked suspiciously like it had been coming from the unicorn's backside, while a sea of bound and imprisoned scissors lie below them.

The second figure behind Lauren, you ask? It was a very childishly (the only way Lauren rolls) drawn body with a pasted on head that had obviously been cut out of a photo. And whose head, you may ask, did it belong to? If you said a certain senior agent of NCIS who just _happened_ to be named Anthony DiNozzo, you'd be correct.

Tony stared at the picture, horribly embarrassed, as a new thought hit him. "Where did she even_ get_ this picture?" he asked incredulously. It wasn't even from his file!

"Oh, I got it by asking some of your ex-girlfriend's if they had one." Even if she was gasping out the words in pain, Lauren still managed to bring her innocent naivety to a whole new level of creepy.

"And how did you, uh, know who my ex-girlfriends are?" Tony was more than a little freaked, and everyone was continuing to ignore Lauren's pain. If she could talk, then it couldn't be that bad.

"It wasn't that hard, really." Only Lauren could be in "extreme pain" and continue to sound cheerful and upbeat. "I just asked around, did some digging, logged into your computer and read your old datebooks, schedules, emails, you know, the usual."

The team gaped in shock. If someone (say, the author) had run into the room and shouted, "Shock and awe!" at that moment, it totally would have fit. Even Gibbs looked shocked- the bacteria around his eyebrows were experiencing some tremors and in a few places, mild quakes.

"Um, Lauren?" Tony asked slowly, as if to a small child who had no idea of the multitude of their actions. "How did you get into my computer?"

"As your psychologist, I have complete access to your records and your computer, so of course I need your password for that, you silly!"

"Uh-huh," Tony muttered. "And why, exactly, did you feel that you _needed_ a picture of me?"

"Because we'll destroy the scissor menace together, you funny bunny!" Lauren was looking hysterical in her giggling.

"Um, what?" Tony questioned while Ziva mouthed '_Funny bunny?_' to Abby and McGee, both who shook their heads in return.

"Uh, guys, maybe we should call for Ducky," McGee suggested as Seris' eyes rolled back into her head. Ducky appeared shortly after the call was made, Palmer in tow.

"What appears to be the problem, my dear?" he asked Abby, who had made the call.

"Well Lauren was really excited to get out her dream journal, and it got flung and she hurt her wrist. Then she started acting like a little kid - more than usual, I mean - and she freaked and then she passed out."

"What is a 'dream journal'?" Palmer asked.

"I'll explain later Jimmy," Abby told him.

Ducky knelt next to the prone form of the psychologist and began to feel her wrist; as he touched it, Lauren moaned in pain. Ducky shook his head and stood. "It appears to be a garden variety sprain, the kind that a school nurse would assign an ice pack for and send the patient on their way."

"Yeah, but school nurses give an ice pack for anything and everything," Tony pointed out. "True!" Abby chimed, but Ducky shook his head.

"What I _mean_," he continued exasperatedly, "is that it is an extremely basic, common, easily treated and not-very-painful pull of the wrist muscles."

Most of the team let out a collective sigh as their dreams of sending Seris to the hospital to escape her were dashed. Seeing this, Ducky added, "_But_, due to her reaction, which is very _un_common, it would be best to call the paramedics and send her to the ER to be checked over more thoroughly by a doctor who deals with _live_ patients on a more regular basis." The glee in the room was obvious.

After much scurrying to call an ambulance, and pestering the semi-conscious Lauren to sign off on the day's therapy, the paramedics arrived. One of the EMTs shook his head, muttering, "Never been called for a sprained wrist before," before carting her out of the room.

"Wait!" Abby shouted, chasing the departing EMTs. "I have something for you. Some...light reading for Lauren while she's admitted." She held out a stack of everyone's dream journals and Lauren's recently recollected drawing, minus the one with Tony. Oh well, she had many more where that came from. The medic stared at Abby for a minute, trying to gauge if she was serious, before tucking the stack under an arm and continuing on his way.

Ziva turned to Tony and asked, "Why did you give her your empty book?"

Tony smirked evilly. "It's not empty."

And it certainly was not. The shriek that Lauren would let out when she awoke and read it would be a tremendous one, and the nearby nurses and various hospital staff would curse the day that Dr. Lauren Seris entered the premises.

Written in the journal was a note that said,_ "To help train to defeat the scissor menace."_

Taped next to it was a pair of scissors.

* * *

**Dun-Dun-DUNNNNNN!!!!! Everyone hates Lauren! Yay! Please review!**


	8. SugarLumpkin

**No big speech this time about how long this took. It just did, okay? I love Transformers on an unhealthy level and my TF stories overtook my life. Deal with it. I did... ;) Anyways, enjoy this craptastical comeback!**

_**Allie**_**: Thanks for the lovely review!**

_**Kelly**_**: Shuddup, spelling Nazi! **Grumbles in corner****

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own NCIS or any of its characters, or Star Wars, which George Lucas owns, as we all know. _The Shining _belongs to Stephen King. I do own Dr. Lauren Seris and the situations contained here.**

* * *

It was with heavy hearts that Gibbs and his team returned to NCIS the next day. The hospital staff was so pissed off with one Dr. Lauren Seris that they "requested" that she leave that morning, no later. Vance, who was very confused as to why she was in the hospital in the first place, had decided that she be brought back to NCIS and have her daily session with Gibbs' team.

Lauren clapped her hands; Ziva's trigger finger was twitching like she was being electrocuted.

"Okay, class! Isn't it just so fun, how I can call you class? It's like I'm the Jedi master and you're all my young padawans."

McGee and other Star Wars fans everywhere groaned as their epic movie series was virtually raped by a scary blond psychiatrist.

The author forgot to mention that Lauren said all of this from her sickbed. She had refused to leave her hospital bed, because surely then she would step on some ninja scissors who were intent on injuring her as soon as she stepped foot on the floor or ground of any area. The hospital administrators were so desperate to get rid of her that they allowed her to take a bed, free of charge, if she would just leave them the hell alone and sign a form stating that she would go to another hospital the next time she was in need. Lauren, being hopped up on painkillers from her violent accident, signed the forms.

That was how a giant hospital bed had come to be placed in one of the conference rooms of NCIS headquarters. Lauren had asked for the monitoring equipment and IV drip, too, but the hospital had to draw the line somewhere.

"My young padawans," Lauren said again; McGee gagged. "Today we shall Experience the Full Trust of Our Humble Comrades. Today, you shall all Become One in the Same as you Place Your Lives in Your Team's Hands, and as they do the Same With You. Today, you will No Longer be Individuals, but One, Whole Entity that Cannot Be Stopped!"

"Is she planning on ritually sacrificing us?" Tony asked Ziva none-too-quietly. Lauren, still on deadly high amounts of morphine, did not notice this as she continues her "One Being of Trust" rant. She really did speak with emphasis on the first part of words to symbolize capital letters.

"Maybe then the wrist gods will look kindly on her," replied Ziva. Tony would have laughed loudly, but that might have pulled Lauren from her Capital-Letters-and-Morphine induced speech.

McGee muttered, "No, I think she's going to chop us up and try to make some sort of Frankenstein monster from us. She said we'll be 'One in the Same' and 'One Whole Entity.'"

Surprisingly, it was Gibbs who spoke next. "How would she get to us from her bed over there? She can't cut us into pieces from there."

Sure enough, the NCIS agents plus Abby were pressed flush against the wall farthest from where Lauren's bed had been placed, the farthest physical place where they could be while still being in the same room as the madwoman.

"Today you shall Experience Full Trust! Today, you shall..." One could almost hear the drum roll. That was most likely because Lauren had pulled out her bongos.

"PERFORM TRUST FALLS!" the insane psychologist thundered, beating her bongos as fast as possible. She hit them so hard that one bongo was fatally punctured. Lauren frowned.

"That's not very nice." She glared at the offending bongo before tossing it over her shoulder, where it broke through a window and smashed into the windshield of a passing car on the street, causing that car to swerve and crash into another car, and ultimately causing one of the biggest pile-ups NCIS had ever seen.

Lauren, completely unaffected by any of this pulled out another bongo from seemingly nowhere and smiled in satisfaction.

"Where are they coming from?" Tony asked in horror.

"I don't know." Abby was a fan of horror movies, but that didn't mean she wanted to live one! Being with Lauren was like starring in a flick about the psychologist who _could_ kill with kindness. And bongos. Lots and lots of bongos. And in the end only scissors could defeat her, as they were her only weakness.

Gibbs cleared his throat. "What, dare I ask, is a 'trust fall'?"

Lauren grinned beatifically, and by beatifically the author means like how the dad did in _The Shining_ as he tried to kill his family. "I'm so glad you asked, Leroy!"

Gibbs growled like the silver-haired fox he was.

"Trust falls are one of the most magical experiences you could ever have the chance to experience. They are the experience of a lifetime!"

"How many times can you say the word 'experience' while on heavy-duty painkillers?" Ziva inquired rhetorically. Still, Tony felt the need to reply.

"At least three, by my count, though she'll most likely continue."

"They are the experience to end all experiences! You will never experience an experience like this experience! Once you experience them, no other experience will compare with the experience of this experience! You don't even need to be experienced in this experience to experience this experience!"

The team just looked on, a little afraid. Said Tony, "That's thirteen times, if you count 'experiences' and 'experienced'."

"Mmm, thirteen. That's unlucky for her," Abby lamented, though she didn't sound at all upset by this omen of bad luck for Lauren.

Hoping to shut Lauren up, Tim bravely intervened. "Uh, Lauren? How do you, um, _do_ a trust fall?"

Her eyes were lit as if by a maniac spirit, or like someone had put a flashlight in her head.

"You work in groups of two. One partner stands in front of the other about two to three feet away. Then the partner in front allows themselves to just fall back, and they trust their partner to catch them before they hit the ground. It's the ultimate trust exercise."

The team breathed a collective sigh of relief that she didn't say "ultimate trust experience."

It was surprising how..._normal_ the exercise sounded. Well, normal for Lauren. But still, it sounded like what one would expect in trust therapy. The team just might be able to make it through this one without something too weird happening.

The group was partnered up as Lauren dictated. Ziva worked with Tony, and McGee with Gibbs; Abby would switch off with one of the agents when they had completed their falls.

McGee once again was terrified of his boss. It wasn't that he didn't trust Gibbs; no, he already trusted Gibbs with his life. He just didn't want to fall into his arms like the swooning damsel in distress. Plus, he knew Gibbs wouldn't appreciate that analogy, though the image of Gibbs in a flouncy hot pink sequined dress and a tall pointed hat with a veil was pretty funny. In fact, it had the author giggling at her own juvenile humor.

Tony and Ziva had already paired up and were arguing over who would be falling first. Tim wrung his hands anxiously.

"McGee," Gibbs said in that way of his that made it sound like he was phonetically saying "MIH-gee."

"Uh, yeah Boss. Do you, uh, want to, um, fall first? Or, I mean I could go first, if you want. It's really no big deal. I, uh..."

"McGee," their fearless leader repeated. "It doesn't matter. I'll catch you, you'll catch me, and we make the nutcase happy. Agreed?"

Tim nodded shakily. He stood in front of his boss with his back to him. Loosening his muscles and trying to relax, McGee shut his eyes and breathed in a few shuddering breaths and let himself collapse.

For a few nervous moments he believed he would hit the ground, but Gibbs caught him and brought him back to his feet. Tim smiled in relief.

"Good job, Tim and Leroy!" called Lauren. "Tony and Ziva, why couldn't you be more like them?"

Tony and Ziva were making a game of allowing the other to hit the ground after assuring them that they would be caught. Ziva had forced Tony to go first by pain of death, and had then proceeded to take a step back and allow him to crack his head on the floor while she laughed.

"Ziva!" Lauren admonished with a hurt look on her face. Oh, but that had only made Tony's pain even sweeter. "Can't you two just get along?" Her lower lip trembled. All present paled.

"You guys!" Abby hissed. "If you want to get out of here soon, you need to do what she wants. Gibbs and Timmy are! Just hurry up and catch each other, will you?"

Within this time McGee had already caught Gibbs, and Gibbs then volunteered to catch Abby, who actually enjoyed the "experience."

Ziva finally caught Tony, who was now bleeding slightly from a small lump on the back of his head. Tony ignored the lump, which didn't really hurt that much, and caught Ziva on her first fall, more due to Gibbs' death-glare than his own need to leave.

Lauren, however, had an enhanced sense of smell. She sniffed the air once, twice, and made a face. It was the coppery tang of blood that almost had her throwing up on her bongos.

"Who's bleeding?" she screeched like the unholy harpy she was.

Unhappily, Tony raised a hand. "It's nothing, just a little bump from when I hit the floor."

"You poor baby!" she cried. "We need to get you to the hospital!"

Tony frowned and fixed the situation with some quick thinking. "But Lauren, you aren't allowed back to the nearest hospital! You couldn't visit me."

She looked aghast. "You're right! Oh, the evils of this cruel, cruel world!" Sadly for Tony, she had her own bright idea then.

"You poor baby, if you can't come to the hospital, then the least I could do is take care of you!"

"Um, what?"

"C'mere, sugar-lumpkin! Come to Mama, Mama will make it all better!"

Ziva was now leaning heavily on McGee, and vice versa. Both would have fallen over without the other's support due to the power of their chuckles. Abby was laughing so hard that she was crying and smearing her carefully applied make-up.

"Sugar-lumpkin, she's calling you," Ziva forced out between giggles.

Tony was too busy estimating how quickly he could make it to the door when Gibbs clapped a hand down firmly on his shoulder.

Whispered the team leader in his ear, "The sooner you do what she wants, the sooner we leave. Play your part and get her to sign the papers to let us leave so we can get our asses out of here. Now go, sugar-lumpkin, Mama's waiting for you." He unceremoniously shoved Tony towards the out of place hospital bed.

Gingerly, DiNozzo perched on the farthest edge of the bed away from Lauren. She pouted.

"I can't comfort you when you're over there! Come to Mama, now!"

Absently Tony noticed that she sounded like something out of a porno. Nervously, he moved closer to the psychologist, who, once he was within her reach, grabbed him up and started to cuddle him like he was a plush toy.

"Now isn't this better?" she cooed as she suffocated Tony.

He would have said "No," but then he would have to be able to breathe.

"Why aren't you talking? Is the power of my hug just so great that you're shocked by its kind intentions and positive energy? Don't worry, it happens to a lot of people. I have that sort of affect that stuns everyone speechless."

"Of course she does," Ziva laughed loudly. Lauren was, as always, in her own world.

"Lauren," said Tony in a weak voice that was partially put-on and partially due to that fact that he couldn't breathe properly. "Lauren, I think I see the light!"

"NO! Never go near the light, honey-pie! I'll save you! Just tell me what to do, anything!"

"Lauren...Before I die, do me this one thing..."

"Yes, what is it, care-bear? What is it you need Mama to do?" Tony grimaced at her words, and not because he was in physical pain and dying.

"I need you to...to..."

"Yes, yes?" Lauren's eyes were wide and crazier than usual. She nodded vigorously.

"I need you to...I need you to..."

"Tell me! I'd do anything for you, apple fritter!"

"Apple fritter?" McGee repeated. That sent Ziva and himself into new peals of laughter.

"...Sign the papers, Lauren..."

"Which papers? Which ones?" Lauren actually began yanking chunks of her own blond hair out of her head. It was kind of gross.

"...the papers for today's session...sign off on them...allow my team to go home and...deal with my passing..."

"Anything for you, my fragile dove!" Now Abby was on the floor with Ziva and McGee. Gibbs just stood above them, actually smirking. This was just too good.

Lauren tossed Tony out of her lap and onto the floor, not even noticing what she was doing as she searched her bed sheets for today's forms. Finally, she found them.

"My harmonious seal," she began, speaking to Tony, who was on the floor still. "Would you happen to have a pen?" She truly did not realize that the "dying" agent was on the floor, or that anything was wrong with that.

Confused, Tony dredged up a pen and handed it to her.

"My thanks, wounded tortoise."

She signed the papers with a flourish of her heavily plastered wrist, which wasn't even the "injured" one, and handed the papers to Gibbs.

DiNozzo then sprang up from the floor. "I'm feeling much better now. Thanks Lauren!" With that, he flounced from the room like he was wearing Gibbs' princess costume and totally working it. The rest of the team followed suit, albeit at a much less bubbly pace.

Lauren sat, confused on her hospital bed, and shrugged before passing out cold due to the Vicodin she's popped about an hour ago.

* * *

**Not my best work, but oh well. Hope you enjoyed the lunacy! No idea when I'll update again, so you know. Don't be surprised if it's more than a few months from now.**

**Please review!**


	9. Gibbs' Awesome Bladder

**Well, this is the final chapter, fair readers. I apologize if it upsets you that I'm so happy to have finished this story, but I've wanted to do other things for a long while. If you don't like the ending, then I'd ask that you remember that the sign on the door says "Crack Fic," which means it doesn't need a plot or have to be good. So, that's that! Oh, and "Jump" occurs about halfway through this, as you'll see.**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own NCIS or any of its characters. I do own Dr. Lauren Seris and the situations contained here.**

* * *

The next day found the team back in Lauren's insane presence. They had rallied against Vance in hope that he would allow them to end their psychotic psychiatric "sessions," but it was to no avail, as Vance blatantly told them that he "did not care" and that they were "getting what they deserved." Apparently Seris had quite the reputation as a psychiatrist he could turn entire teams around with her "therapy." Either Vance had never met Lauren, or he was a sadistic bastard. Both meant that the team still had to go to meetings with Lauren and stay out of the field, which irked Gibbs to no end.

Today she was still in her bed, and still appeared to be on some sort of drug – not that being on drugs made her very different from her normal behavior.

It was more than a little disconcerting that Lauren was wearing the same clothes as she had been the day before. The group really hoped that someone had made her go home during the night. Seriously, didn't anyone have a use for the conference room? Didn't anyone have a reason that could possibly remove Lauren from NCIS, as apparently she wasn't leaving quite fast enough for Gibbs' tastes?

Lauren had turned all of the lights off in the conference room. The only light was the one held in her hands, a small camping flashlight which she held under her chin like she was about to tell them a ghost story at sleep-away camp. Added that her hair was a rat's nest and she probably hadn't bathed in at least twenty-four hours, if not longer, it was a pretty creepy sight to behold.

"Today," she said, waving her casted-yet-uninjured arm in a somewhat mystical gesture. "We shall journey into the unknown, into the supernatural."

"I don't participate in Ouija Boards, sorry." Lauren frowned briefly at Ziva's statement.

"I don't mean that kind of supernatural, silly! I mean that you're going to lift Tim above your heads with the power of your trust!"

"Excuse me?" McGee demanded nervously. "We're going to do _what _with Tim?"

"Lift you above their heads, of course! I think you need your hearing checked, Tim."

"Uh, yeah. You're joking though, right? I mean, you do realize that it's impossible to lift somebody with the power of your trust, right?"

Lauren scowled momentarily, which astonished the team. Was that a sign of true negative human emotions? The author was voting for a case of indigestion.

"Of course not! Why would I kid about the power of trust?"

McGee looked to Gibbs in desperation. They weren't really going to do this, right? _Right?_ He looked desperately at Gibbs who only shrugged in reply. It wasn't exactly a comforting gesture to the Probie.

"What, exactly, are we doing with McGeek?" Tony asked.

Lauren looked at him in a reprimanding way. "Tony, we do not use names that could possibly insult others. Now apologize to Tim and I'll tell you what we're doing today."

It was shocking how..._normal_ the statement sounded. She was still acting crazy, but that statement had been almost...lucid. Maybe the drugs _were_ doing some good.

"Uh, sorry, McGee." Lauren continued to stare at Tony until he amended, "Tim, I mean. Sorry Tim." The "doctor" nodded in satisfaction.

She clapped her hands together in an almost normal gesture, lacking in her usual pep. "You are all going to stand around Tim as he lies on the floor. You will place two fingers under him from each hand, and then you will as one stand up, holding your arms stiff and still, and you will be able to raise him above your heads. The 'experts' say that it's possible due to the equal distribution of weight, but I know for sure that it's due to the power of trust." Now that sounded more like the Lauren they knew and were terrified of.

"And why do I have to be the one to get, um, lifted by the power of trust?" McGee was contemplating running out of the room in terror, but he could just imagine Gibbs grabbing him by the collar and yanking him back into the room. The face he would be making wouldn't be very nice.

"Because Tony is still healing from his various injuries, and Ziva is too light to really get the point across about how trust can do amazing things. Abby is not here, officially, and thus does not have to learn this lesson, though she may help in the lifting. And Leroy just wouldn't appreciate the loving trust in being lifted."

That was a shocker. Seris was considering what others would think of her trust exercises? Was that a pig flying past the window? Someone should ask Vance if the weather was getting chilly in Hell, and not the one in Michigan.

McGee wondered what it was about him that made one think that he would appreciate the loving trust of being lifted more than Gibbs.

"So they have to lift _me_?" he most certainly didn't squeak, even though that's what it sounded like to anyone present. But McGee didn't squeak, because he's a man, and men don't squeak like little girly mice, unless maybe the happened to see a cute little innocent mouse and decided that it would attack them and eat them with their tiny, devious little mouse teeth.

"Yep! So get to it! I'll grade you from over here."

"Grade?" the group chorused as one.

"Of course! I grade in smiley faces, hearts and stars. All those numbers could really get someone down." Now _that_ was classic Lauren Seris, insane psychopath to government agents.

At Lauren's insistent look, McGee hesitantly lay on the floor which he happened to know hadn't been cleaned last night, not only because Lauren had never left the room, but because he could see the dry blood smear from where Tony had smacked his head when Ziva dropped him during the trust falls. Seriously? They weren't even going to clean the room anymore? Lauren might as well move in!

McGee quickly reined in that terrible, horrible thought. Nix that, Lauren shouldn't move in, but far, far away.

_Far, far away..._ Like where her head usually was.

The junior agent watched in trepidation as his team knelt next to him and placed their hands under him. He squirmed in discomfort at the foreign appendages touching him in places that weren't really work-appropriate.

Said Seris, "On the count of three, you're going to lift him up. Ready? One, two, THREE!" Lauren absolutely shrieked the third word as the group hefted McGee into the air slowly with shaking arms and legs.

McGee was in shock. He wasn't dead yet! This might actually work!

At least, that's what he had thought before he went sliding off their combined hands. In almost slow motion, the Probie began moving backwards. His speed increased as he went sliding off of his team's hands. Briefly, McGee noticed that his freefall was probably due to one of his team members lifting their hands higher than those of the others, which put him on a rather violent slope to the floor.

Tim McGee went on a head-first dive to the ground, having a nice meeting with it as he cracked his head on the floor, rolling over a few times for emphasis even though he didn't have any horizontal momentum to do so. When he finished his lovely roll, he found his face right next to Tony's blood stain. How nice.

With that, Timothy McGee passed out.

* * *

The doctors said that McGee would have to spend at least a week in the hospital for a broken wrist and radius as well as a severely bruised skull. They said he was lucky not to have fractured his skull or gained any internal bleeding. The chances of a cerebral hemorrhage had been extremely high.

His team felt terrible. They visited him multiple times, and Abby refused to leave his bedside. Tears had smudged her usually impeccable make-up. She looked up at Gibbs and would only say, "You need to get rid of her. Now. Timmy needs his vengeance."

"Uh, no, he really doesn't," McGee said from his bed, even as Abby glared at him for daring to go against her need for Lauren's demise. "But he would appreciate Lauren being removed from her post."

That was all Gibbs, Tony, and Ziva needed. They were getting rid of Dr. Lauren Seris, no matter what.

They were not the model citizens they had once been when they attended their next "session." Tony refused to jump off of a chair, and Ziva and Gibbs complained a lot. Abby put in an appearance, simply because she liked to act, before promptly returning to McGee's side.

Lauren did not notice.

Gibbs went to Vance once more. "McGee is in the hospital because of her!"

"McGee is in the hospital because your team could not lift him correctly. No wonder you need trust therapy, he must be terrified of you all."

Not even imagining Vance dying in multiple, colorful ways could make Gibbs feel better. "He trusted us just fine _before_ the therapy. We all trusted each other. There is no actual reason for this!"

Vance smiled then, a devious little smile that Gibbs wanted to punch right off his face. Him and his stupid little mustache... Why did he have to shave his 'stache, but nobody commented on Vance's, hmm? Why was that?

"I know."

"What? What do you mean _you know_?"

"I was doing this because it was funny to watch you all squirm. Quite enjoyable, really."

Gibbs checked to make sure that no farm animals were making appearances in the windows before looking back at Satan's spawn. "And how is that in any way legal? How is that not an abuse of power?"

"Eh, the government eats up this kind of stuff. Group trust therapy, it's all a crock, but the public likes it, so it's mandatory. That part is true. I just lied about you all needing to stay off the job. That was funny."

"For who?" Gibbs growled.

"For me. But NCIS could really use your team back on the job. Those junior agents we've been using in the interim are total crap. One of them had to ask me how to turn the safety off their gun. Needless to say, he was moved down to Cyber Crimes."

"What is that, your holding pen for all of the NCIS failures that will never see the light of day again?"

"Yep, pretty much! McGee was their hero; what else could they possibly be?"

Gibbs had to agree with him on that point.

"Really, how bad could Dr. Seris be?" Vance asked. Gibbs turned and wordlessly gestured for Vance to follow him to the conference room. He opened the door a crack and gestured for Vance to peek in.

There was Lauren, in all of her sick-bed glory, instructing Tony and Ziva. She had placed colored stickers on their heads and wanted them to non-verbally tell each other the color of their sticker without looking in a mirror or removing the sticker. Sign language was also prohibited.

Tony was playing games on his cell phone and Ziva was sharpening a knife; all the while Lauren was shouting at them the way one would encourage a puppy to come to them. "C'mon guys, you can do it, you can do it!"

"What is wrong with her?" asked the Director.

"The better question," Gibbs said. "Is what is _right_ with her?"

"True," Vance agreed. "She needs to go. But how the hell did she get a hospital bed in there?"

"The world may never know." With that, Gibbs called his team to follow him from the room. They had an injured Probie to visit.

The next day, one Dr. Lauren Seris was dragged from the conference room, sans hospital bed, kicking and screaming about the scissor menace, and then apologizing for her impolite behavior in the mean time. Amazingly enough, she wasn't going to an asylum, but to the Norfolk branch of NCIS, who were the next on the list for trust therapy. The name "Dr. Lauren Seris" would forever be a ghost tale told to young NCIS agents – "If you aren't careful, Lauren Seris will come, and you will never be able to use a pair of scissors again."

A few weeks later, Gibbs brought in a newspaper to work. A few pages in was a story about a woman breaking into the Norfolk branch of NCIS in the dead of night and then ritualistically burning all scissors in the building, successfully accidentally burning down the whole place in the process. McGee thanked his lucky stars that he had been transferred out of Norfolk.

Months went by the way they should have, with Gibbs and his team solving cases and catching the bad guys for the good old NCIS. That was, until Vance came to the bullpen one day with an announcement.

"Everyone," he said grandly. "I would like to introduce to you our newest probationary agent, straight from the local penitentiary's work release program. Everyone, meet Lauren Seris."

Everyone in the room wet themselves, just a little bit, except for Gibbs, because his bladder control was just that awesome.

* * *

**Well, that's that. There shall be no more to this, as I'm simply sick of it. However, if one of you would like to continue it, ask my permission first and I'll probably give it to you. Otherwise, fair thee well, fond readers!**

**Sincerely,**

**~ Carlough**


End file.
